Discussing the undiscussables: What’s not being said is holding your executive team back

How often do meetings end with our most critical thoughts left unsaid?

You’ve felt it. That awkward quiet when someone breaks an unspoken rule. The sidelong glance when a big idea gets an automatic yes, simply because of who suggested it. The silent agreement because accountability is inconsistently applied, especially to those with tenure or influence.

Some things don’t make it onto the agenda, but they’re in the room anyway.

We call these moments undiscussables. They’re the tricky, often uncomfortable dynamics that teams avoid naming. They usually resurface later in private 1:1s with a trusted peer, friend, or even spouse.

While they’re often invisible in the meeting minutes, undiscussables have a cost. Over time, they quietly shape how a team communicates, makes decisions, and shows up with one another. They fracture trust, drain energy, slow execution, and chip away at the culture you and your peers are working so hard to build.

So, why don’t we just talk about them?

Well, it takes a great deal of courage. You might hurt someone’s feelings. You might not be liked. You might be wrong. You might tell yourself it’s too sensitive, too tricky, not worth stirring the pot. It might not fit the culture.

It feels vulnerable—and that’s often enough to stay quiet. 

Here’s the truth: what’s not being said is holding your executive team back anyway. And the longer it stays unspoken, the more power it gains.

The impact of undiscussables

We were working with an aerospace company, sitting in on what was supposed to be a straightforward meeting about inventory processes. The team was getting bogged down in low-level details, debating five different approaches to issuing parts from inventory. Each team member had a different method, talking over one another and getting increasingly frustrated. The conversation spiralled, and it quickly became clear that something deeper and more fundamental was going on.

The real issue wasn’t inventory at all. Sometimes, the most important conversations are often not about the surface-level problem, but about the underlying dynamics getting in the way of effective collaboration. Everyone was reacting to the symptom, not the cause. 

It actually came down to the team’s mindset.

They weren’t aligned on how they fundamentally worked together and how to move past individual approaches toward a unified strategy. They were stuck in tactical disagreements when what they really needed was to operate at a higher level and address how they were thinking about collaboration.

We’ve seen executive teams spend months circling the real issue, working around it, naming everything but it, and calling it “politics.” Instead of moving forward together, teams lose cohesion. Energy gets pulled into second-guessing and backdoor conversations. Or worse, people shut down altogether, believing the problem is too big to fix and nothing will ever change.

Sometimes we hear, “It’s not the right time,” or “We can’t talk about that here.” The reality is, everyone’s already talking about it—just not in the room.

In our experience working with executive teams, undiscussables block trust, alignment, and real accountability. When they’re left unchecked, confidence erodes, along with your team’s capacity to lead boldly.

Leaders are stewards of the business, and every moment spent avoiding the real conversation is a moment you’re not moving the organization forward. If your goal is clarity, accountability, and results, then facing what’s difficult to say becomes non-negotiable.

The good news? You don’t have to do it alone.

We often underestimate the courage and confidence that comes from the support of a whole team. Tackling the tough stuff is a lot easier (and far more effective) when you do it together.

So, how do you and your team begin to discuss the undiscussable?

Discussing the undiscussables

You can’t be both player and referee. We often hear from CEOs, “I tried to have the conversation, but it didn’t land.”

In these discussions, leaders can’t always step out of the power dynamics they’re part of. Even with the best intentions, the moment someone with authority raises a topic, it can shift the room. It’s not just about what’s said—it’s who says it, how it lands, and what’s left unsaid in response.

This is why executive teams bring in team coaches. We’re not part of the system, and we’re not tied to titles or internal hierarchies. We also have the capacity to ask questions with neutrality and without blame:

"What's happening right here?"

"What's going on?"

"I sense something is here - can we explore that?"

Sometimes, our job isn’t just helping teams discuss the undiscussable. As true thought-partners, we help them challenge why it hasn’t been discussed at all. Here’s what that looks like in practice:

• Building rapport and psychological safety. In our team coaching sessions, we focus on building trust and breaking the ice before tackling the tough conversations. Part of our work centres on laying the groundwork, creating the rapport and psychological safety needed for open, honest dialogue.

• Reducing power dynamics. Our presence helps everyone show up as a participant, not a position. When power dynamics are neutralized, leaders become equal contributors. They’re able to speak more freely and listen more openly. The conversation shifts from personal to shared.

• Neutral facilitation. We use neutral language and ask questions in a non-judgmental way. Our facilitation techniques and well-framed questions to bring it forward—with care, without blame, and in a way that the whole team can engage. Issues are reframed without bias, and space is held for silence and reflection, which sounds easy to do, but can be tricky for fast moving teams.

• Nothing is forced, but nothing is ignored. We help teams list the topics no one wants to touch. Then we decide together which ones to open up, which to park, and what feels most important to move forward. It’s a deliberate process, not a free-for-all.

• Everyone is equally accountable for the conversation. We remove the pressure to perform or please. Our goal is to have people feel safe sharing without feeling attacked. The focus becomes clarity, unity, and shared responsibility.

• Structure replaces discomfort. We use frameworks, breakout tools, and language to help teams get unstuck, not just in the conversation, but in their ability to keep talking after we’re gone.

Having an objective voice in the room can change the conversation and accelerate progress. Our presence as executive coaches shifts the dynamic, levels the field, and creates the conditions for people to stop holding back and start doing the real work, together.

Moving forward, together

Undiscussables will always exist. What matters is whether they get addressed. That’s what defines a high performing team’s ability to lead, make decisions, and move forward as one.

When teams start naming what’s getting in the way, everything shifts. They communicate more clearly, make faster decisions, and hold each other to better standards.

This is the work we do at Incito. We’re not just there to guide one hard conversation. We help teams build the muscle to handle the next one, and the one after that. So, when something uncomfortable surfaces, they don’t circle around it. Instead, they meet it head-on and move forward with strength and shared accountability.

At Incito, we’re passionate about helping leadership teams become unified and more effective. If you’re ready to face what’s been holding your team back and want a partner to help you do it with clarity and conviction, let’s talk.